How Can "I" be a Better Leader for My Family?

Usually when I think about great leaders, I think of people who have led people to a great cause or through a major hardship, and it's rare that I ever think of someone close to me as a great leader.  Is it because we deem great leaders as people who accomplish big things or are written in the history books?  Is it because great leaders aren't discovered or realized until they are gone?  To me, I think we have forgotten what makes a great leader a great leader, and we try to imitate/recreate what they have done to try and obtain the same results they accomplished without understanding the foundation they stood on to be a great leader.

I find it interesting that there are so many classes and books that discuss leadership today.  You can learn how to be a servant leader, EQ leader, a manage by exception leader, and the list goes on and on.  One of the foundations of leadership that I have found in my study of leadership has been communication.  If you can communicate well to your team, then you have won half the battle in leading a team or family.  Without clear communication it doesn't matter how great of a servant leader or EQ leader you are, if you cannot effectively communicate your style of leadership is all for not.  The other half of leadership has nothing to do with styles of leadership and being effective in those styles.  I have finally come to the conclusion that other than communication, you cannot make yourself a better leader.  I know that's a bold statement but here's why I believe this today.

I was fortunate enough to go to a grad school at a Christian university and most of the leadership classes centered around leadership from a Christian perspective.  What I didn't realize until a few weeks ago was that the message in grad school wasn't that you can be a better leader if you are a christian and following certain leadership theories, it was that living a Gospel centered/led life will transform you into being a better leader.  Now this may sound the same as just being a christian but it's not!  The pastor at Metro Church preached a sermon about living the Gospel and that's when everything just clicked (many of the references I use in this blog came from his sermon).




The title of this blog is how can "I" be a Better Leader for My family? The reason that the I is in quotations is because that is often how we think, everything is centered around ourselves. Let me tell you this, I cannot do anything to become a better leader for my family, if I am not standing the in gospel. I can try to gain their acceptance by doing various works through a behavior change, but those works are through me and for me, and it will never make me a better husband or father long-term. What often happens is that we cannot keep those works going and we fall right back to the place we were before. We cannot keep up those works because we weren't passionate about it in the first place. My pastor had a great analogy to explain why we do this.

Think back to when you first met your wife or husband, and think about all the sweet and nice things you did for them. Why did you do these things? Was it because you wanted to impress them? No, it was because you were passionate in pursuing your husband or wife. Because you were passionate about your spouse, it was easy and natural to be sweet and romantic. Now think about your relationship with your husband or wife today, it takes work to be sweet and romantic because we are not as passionate as we were before. We're not as passionate because we feel that we have reached a certain level, marriage, and we don't need to continue to dive deeper in the relationship. This is exactly what happens with Christians and the Gospel, and why leadership in the home often fails.

Usually once Christians accept Christ into their lives they feel that the Gospel is only for those who don't know Christ, so our focuses go elsewhere. We focus on attending church more, giving more, volunteering more, and the list goes on and on. Don't get me wrong, these aren't bad things...but we do these things because we have forgotten what the Gospel is about, and think it will make God love us more. This not only is a lie but will also lead to death, destruction, heartache, despair, and pride. The Gospel tells us that it's because of Jesus we are accepted and forgiven, and only because of Jesus' work on the cross and in His life, not because of our works. The Gospel also shows you how die to yourself so you can stop being your own God, and live for Jesus and others.

So the reason you don't spend more time with your children is not because you are too busy or there isn't enough time in the day, it's because you don't want to give up what you enjoy. I'm not saying personal time is a bad thing, but we often make it the excuse every time we fail to spend time with our kids and our spouses. What we need to realize is that we need to be passionate about the Gospel and stand in the Gospel so that our hearts will change, and only then it will lead to you being more romantic to your spouse and spending more time with your kids. Also, standing in the Gospel will let your family see that you are being led by Jesus, and that your submission to Jesus will result in their submission to you. And by this submission to Jesus, He will change not only the person you are, but the leader you are to your family. We just need to realize that we cannot change ourselves, discipline and hard work only go so far and is never a long-term change. Being in the Gospel leads to transformation and a regenerate heart, which is a long-term change that will never be undone.

Husbands, we also need to realize that we are not only responsible for ourselves on the day of judgement, but we are responsible for our families. So don't think for one second that your wife or your children don't need a strong spiritual leader to help guide and lead them. If they aren't spending time in the Gospel, that probably means you aren't spending time in the Gospel. Also, remember that hard times are always going to come our way, and standing in the Gospel is the best way to make it through those tough times. Without a solid foundation in the Gospel, those tough times can lead to hate, confusion, mental breakdowns, and even suicide.

In closing, know that you can read all the self-help and leadership books you want to try and make yourself a better leader for your family, but only by standing in the Gospel can you ever truly be transformed and live it out for your family. The books are great to show you different view points and communication tactics, but they will never transform you into a better leader. Understand the Gospel because it shows you how much God loves you and how much you should love your family. The things that you spend most of your time in are often said to be what you are most passionate about. The question is, are you spending enough time in the things that you should be most passionate about?